Most of us have some bad habits when it comes to fighting. These bad habits tend to create more problems than they solve. In this article, I want to review some of the most common but least helpful strategies couples use when they are fighting with each other. In fact, if you use them often enough, you may tank the relationship.
1. Hitting below the belt
I've placed this strategy at the top of the list because it's one of the most destructive forms of fighting. Occasionally we step on someone's most vulnerable spot accidentally. This usually happens when people don't know each other well. But in long term romantic relationships and in marriages, where both people know each other well -- this tactic is usually used consciously. The person who's hitting below the belt knows it's going to hurt their partner. In fact, that's the point. They feel destructive and they want to damage the other person. Maybe they are retaliating for being hurt themselves, in which case their behavior is meant to 'even the score.'
Because this behavior is undertaken consciously, it's especially difficult for the other person to get over. Not only have they been hit in one of their most vulnerable spots - they know their partner was intentionally out to hurt them. The damage is compounded if this behavior occurs in the presence of other people - when the person who's being hit has fewer opportunities to respond. Partners who humiliate, criticize or belittle their romantic partner or spouse in public, are behaving like a bully who needs an audience to play to. Their behavior is abusive, shaming and ultimately cowardly. Their low self esteem and power and control issues are running the show.
Emotional intimacy requires an environment where there's emotional safety. That's completely impossible in a relationship where partners are consciously destructive towards one another.
2. Getting Even
Getting even or retaliating is an emotionally immature response to being hurt. While it's natural to want to hurt someone who's hurt you, getting even just continues the cycle of mutual injury. What may have started as a small upset snowballs into something larger. Soon you and your partner aren't even fighting about the problem that started the whole conflict. You're locked in a battle for power and control which has nothing to do with resolving the issue. Getting even is about winning - having the last word - being "right." It's a defensive cycle that pushes you and your partner further apart. Each of you begins to treat the other person as if they are 'the enemy' rather than someone you love. If partners become angry enough, they sometimes express their anger through acting out behavior. Infidelity is a common form of getting even and expressing anger towards a partner.
Getting even is a no-win proposition. If the two of you use this tactic often enough you will permanently destroy trust. Closeness will be virtually impossible because each of you will be too busy protecting yourself from getting hurt.
3. Blaming
Assigning blame is tempting but pointless. Blaming is a defensive behavior that's aimed at passing responsibility for a given outcome onto another person. Blame closes off communication and creates a false view of "the truth" - I'm right and you're wrong!
The blame game usually starts when one person says something like, "You always... " or "You never... " or "you made me" or "because of you...." People who rely on blaming as one of their primary fighting tactics like to feel "right" or superior to the other person. They don't want to make themselves vulnerable by communicating their feelings of hurt directly. Instead, they resort to blaming which keeps them protected but distant. Underneath, the blamer's self-esteem isn't all that secure - otherwise they would be willing to risk hearing the other person's opinion, point of view, feelings or experience.
Like the interacting cogs of an engine, what one part does effects the other and vice versa. In relationships there are endless interactional loops. In other words - most conflicts involve the behavior of both people or are due to patterns that each person has contributed to.
4. Avoidance
Many couples try to avoid conflict. Some are afraid it will damage their relationship - even destroy it. When conflict surfaces, they skirt it. They don't realize that avoiding conflict doesn't make it go away. It simply goes underground. The conflict begins to show up in less direct ways. Romantic relationships and marriages in which conflict is avoided are often characterized by emotional distance or a superficial level of relating. Everything may seem awfully 'nice' but not very deep.
Emotional intimacy requires emotional involvement. That inevitably leads to occasional conflict. If two people have good skills for resolving conflict, the conflict can actually lead to greater closeness. But whether or not conflict leads to greater closeness is completely dependent upon how the conflict is resolved and whether one or both make an effort to repair any injuries they may have caused the other. In order for two people to be intensely caring and involved with one another, they have to get close enough to disagree! True intimacy is based not only on being able to share the good things, but also on being able to face and work through the difficult things that come up.
5. Discounting
This is a dysfunctional strategy used for dealing with differences. It typically occurs when one person expresses their feelings or preferences, their dissatisfactions or upset about the other's behavior or some aspect of the relationship. The person who's listening discounts the other's feelings thoughts or concerns by ignoring them, dismissing them or minimizing their importance. The listener may feel threatened by what's being said. Maybe they're afraid of conflict, or they think their partner is highlighting differences between them that may be insurmountable. Sometimes they're afraid something is going to be asked of them - that they're going to have to change.
Occasionally a listener minimizes the other's worries or concerns believing that they are being helpful. Or they don't know what to do with the other person's upset so they ignore it. Or they try to make the problem go away by coming up with a quick solution. The person who's being discounted feels frustrated, belittled and misunderstood. Instead of being able to move on and drop the issue, they usually try even harder to be heard or to have their feelings acknowledged
Discounting is a defense against experiencing another person's upset. It's a response aimed at aborting communication about a topic. While the listener may not realize it, they are actually trying to protect themselves from being distressed by the speaker's disappointment or upset feelings.
6. Exploding
People tend to explode when they've allowed their anger or unhappiness to fester too long. At its worst, explosions result in physical confrontation, destruction of property or violence. People who explode often have low frustration tolerance or difficulty with anger management. In addition, they have poor problem solving skills. Oddly, individuals who explode are often extremely uncomfortable or fearful of conflict. They avoid it until they lose control.
Frequent explosions can turn a relationship into a war zone in which the fabric of the relationship is repeatedly torn. In these relationships, there's often a cycle of conflict followed by a honeymoon phase in which the angry partner tries to woo the one they hurt and to make up for their out-of-control behavior. They want to return the relationship to a more stable equilibrium. Unfortunately, unless this person gets help with their anger, they will continue to tear the relationship apart. The cycle of anger and make up resembles the cycles of conflict in physically abusive relationships. Eventually, fear and anger may be the only things keeping the partners together.
7. Hanging On
Hanging on to past hurts is a way of keeping distance. The partner who hangs on to old injuries may be afraid to get close for fear of being hurt again. Sometimes partners hang on to past hurts as a way of justifying angry acting-out behavior they've engaged in. For instance, if a partner has been unfaithful, they may hang on to and bring up old injuries the other has committed as a way of justifying their infidelity.
There are situations and behavior that may be too difficult to get past or get over. Sometimes people have mistreated each other so badly and the relationship has deteriorated to such an extent that there's little good feeling left in the relationship. In these situations, partners either choose to remain together but live emotionally separate lives or they actually get divorced.
In order for two people to establish and maintain intimacy, both must be able to get over the injuries of the past. That doesn't mean they approve of what happened and it doesn't mean they accept it. The injury may always be something of a stumbling block between them. But the injured partner must work through their feelings enough to be able to resume the relationship and to have some semblance of peace and closeness again.
For recommendations about how to handle conflict constructively, see my article: Fair Fighting.
Johanna Nauraine is a professional coach specializing in premarital, marital, divorce, infertility, and career coaching. Read her relationship articles at: www.johannascouch.com.