A common issue in the marriages of twenty and 'thirty somethings' has to do with what I call the challenge of moving from 'me' to 'we.' Typically, adults in these two decades have spent a number of years living on their own. Most have developed successful careers which have required a single-minded focus. These young professionals are accustomed to navigating their lives independently.
While young adults in their twenties and thirties are very interested in romantic relationships, the individualistic thinking that has helped them establish successful independent lives may actually create problems when they marry. This individualism tends to crop up in a number of areas including social relationships, decision-making, prioritization of career vs. marriage, competitiveness/power and control issues, money management, allocation of responsibility and approaches to problem-solving and conflict.
Social Relationships
Dating couples usually spend several years socializing together before they marry. Often this socializing involves drinking with peers. Once a couple marries, it's not unusual for socializing to become a source of conflict.
In my experience, problems that concern social relationships tend to run along gender lines. Women frequently assume their husbands will 'naturally adjust' to married life. This usually means that they expect their husbands to stay home more, drink less, hang out at the bar less and no longer participate in 'men only' activities. It also means she expects to be her husband's primary social partner.
Men on the other hand, may be reluctant to relinquish the socializing they engaged in while they were single and dating. A man who's been hanging out with the same guy friends since college has known them longer than he's known his new wife. His male friends have been his primary social support for decades.
In my experience, men are a little slower to make their relationship with their spouse their primary social priority. They may also have more difficulty relinquishing the freedom they had prior to getting married.
It is easy for couples to fall into power struggles over this issue. A new wife may expect her husband's social behavior to change while her husband may feel like he's being controlled. It's important for both spouses to understand that life is different now that they're married. Being married does involve giving up a certain amount of freedom. Any marriage in which one or both behave like 'solo operators' is headed for problems.
Decision-making
A second area where individualistic thinking tends to create problems is in the area of decision-making. Most young professionals are used to making independent decisions. They haven't had to consult anyone about major purchases, buying property, vacation planning and similar life style choices. Once they are married, couples may encounter difficulty collaborating when it comes to decision-making. It's not unusual for each to approach decision-making like they did when they were single.
Conflicts tend to occur when one or both make decisions without consulting the other. This is especially true when those decisions have an impact on the other person. These may include inviting people to the house without letting the other know, sharing intimate information about their marriage with friends or family, making purchases from joint funds, planning solo vacations with same sex friends, making business investments with household finances, etc.
One partner may be more dominant when it comes to decisions about major purchases like cars or homes, deciding where to settle and build a life together, deciding whose family they spend time with, even deciding on how many children to have. However, if one partner is too influential when it comes to the direction of the couple's life together, the other may feel resentful and overlooked. It's important for couples to examine the outcome of their decisions and to evaluate whether each has felt their point of view was considered and is reflected in the final decision.
If a decision affects your spouse in either the long or short term, it's wise to discuss the matter with them and make the decision together. No one likes to feel like they are suffering consequences set in motion by someone else.
Career vs. Marriage
Individualistic thinking also creates problems when couples are not in agreement regarding the priority of their relationship relative to one or both of their careers. If one partner in a relationship has very ambitious goals for their career - goals that require long hours, frequent travel, occasional relocations or a substantial financial investment from their shared income - this needs to be discussed prior to marriage.
It's not unusual for a couple to decide that one spouse's career takes precedence for a finite period of time - for example, until that spouse receives a raise, promotion, vesting of retirement benefits, etc. Some couples decide that one partner's career has priority because that person's work is more lucrative. Lastly, couples often decide one spouse should stop working entirely while their children are young. The variations on these family scenarios are almost endless. The best way to avoid conflict is through an open discussion and exploration of each person's needs and feelings.
It's also wise to discuss the conditions under which one or both spouse's work demands excuse them from family involvement or family responsibilities. This is especially important because whatever is decided will affect the spouse who has to 'pick up the slack.'
Two career couples often have difficulty carving out time for each other. It's helpful for couples to plan 'date night,' weekends away or special occasion overnights. Time alone supports and celebrates the importance of the relationship. These mini-vacations also help counteract the erosive quality of too much time spent apart due to career demands. Time spent having good experiences with each other are an important part of building a strong "we."
Competitiveness - power and control issues
It's not unusual for competitiveness to surface between marital partners. Occasionally this competitiveness is related to career success. This is especially true if both people work in the same industry and one partner is experiencing greater success than the other. It may be uncomfortable for each partner to acknowledge their feelings of envy and competitiveness, however these feelings needs to be confronted openly, otherwise they can hurt the relationship.
Competitiveness may also occur around finances. One partner may earn more than the other. The higher earning partner may feel resentful that the other isn't contributing more financially. They may pressure their spouse to get a better job, press for promotion, or begin to micromanage the other's spending and saving habits in order to equalize their financial contribution to the marriage. All of these behaviors have detrimental effects on the marriage.
Competitiveness often occurs during conflict. Each person may want to have the last word or place undue importance on being 'right.' This can result in an escalating power struggle as each tries to win the argument.
It's also not usual for couples to experience problems with power and control. Each may want their own way in a specific area such as how to raise or discipline their children, money management, frequency of sex, types of social activities, participation in each partner's extended family, etc.
Marriage requires self-transcendence - the capacity to sacrifice individual needs for the good of the relationship or the needs of the other person. Good parents exhibit this trait all the time. Spouses often fail to understand that this is an important aspect of being a good marital partner too.
Competitiveness doesn't belong in a marriage, neither does striving for power and control or dominance over one another. Good marriages are built on teamwork (see my article, Marriage Requires Teamwork.) It's important for couples to work collaboratively when it comes to negotiating needs and desires. This may mean both compromise or it may mean taking turns yielding to one another's desired solution.
Money Management
Money is a hot button for many couples. This may have to do with what I've mentioned above in terms of one partner earning more than the other or one partner being dominant when it comes to decisions regarding the allocation of financial resources.
Spouses enter marriage with varying experiences concerning money. These experiences derive both from what they've observed and experienced in their families of origin and what they experienced while single.
Many couples experience challenges when it comes to managing their finances as a married couple. One spouse may want to keep their finances separate while the other may feel strongly about uniting their financial lives.
Some couples put all their earnings into the same bank account and one partner is charged with the responsibility of paying household expenses out of that joint account. Another alternative is for each partner to assume responsibility for paying some portion of their shared expenses. They may decide to allocate household bills so each is responsible for some portion of the household operating budget.
It's a good idea for each partner to disclose any debt they have prior to getting married. Failure to do so can lead to anger and resentment later or a feeling of having been betrayed.
Early in their marriage, couples need to sit down together and identify financial goals and a timeline for accomplishing these. Many disagreements can be avoided if couples engage in joint financial planning and agree on budgets and financial priorities.
Allocation of Responsibility
Another area where a "we" mentality is sometimes lacking, is in the allocation of responsibility. This encompasses household responsibility, responsibility towards the marital relationship, family responsibility, parenting and financial responsibility.
Many young adults enter marriage with the expectation that their spouse will assume the same level of marital, familial, household and financial responsibility they observed in their parents. This can be a source of conflict.
One partner may be more comfortable managing the administrative aspects of running a household, organizing social outings, paying bills, shuttling children, getting groceries, etc. While it's not necessary for partners to have a 50/50 split when it comes to these matters - there may be a reason why this isn't feasible. For example, one partner may work full time while the other works part time. But it's important that both agree on who's going to do what and that each is comfortable with the arrangement.
The level of responsibility each partner is going to have relative to child rearing and family matters is equally important. It's wise to reach agreement regarding who's going to make meals, review homework, shuttle children to various activities, etc. Failure to come up with a mutually agreed upon system for managing these parenting tasks can lead to chaos and conflict for both parents and children.
It's a good idea for couples to discuss their perspectives on child rearing prior to starting a family. Some of the important topics to discuss include the values they want to instill in their children, including the role of religion, participation in household chores, perspectives on money, etc. They also need to discuss and negotiate their attitudes towards discipline. It's best if parents don't become split with one being the "easy" parent while the other is viewed as the "tough" parent. In other words - good parenting is about being united.
In some families, financial roles and responsibilities are fairly traditional -- with husbands holding the job of primary wage earner while wives manage the home and the primary job of looking after the day-to-day needs of the children. However, increasingly there are couples in which the wife is the primary wage earner and the husband stays at home. This can work very well whether this results from necessity(i.e. the wife has an easier time finding work) or by choice. The main concern in this scenario is twofold. Hopefully the stay-at-home husband will not feel angry or inadequate because of his wife's role as primary breadwinner. In addition, it's important that the wife feels supported and appreciated for supporting the family.
Occasionally couples experience difficulty with one or more of these areas of responsibility. The most common scenario is that one member of the couple begins to act more like a child than an equal partner. If they are unemployed, they may demonstrate a lack of motivation when it comes to finding work. They may spend the household income irresponsibly on their own activities. They may neglect participating in the family or the marriage. In this instance, the 'responsible' partner begins to assume more and more of the burden of keeping the marriage, family and household going and they will in all likelihood grow resentful. This can become a regular and toxic source of conflict between marital partners.
Problem solving and Conflict
It is not unusual for couples to experience difficulty working as a team when it comes to resolving conflict. Again, this seems especially prevalent in young marriages where neither partner has experience compromising or negotiating agreements that are good for the other.
Resolving conflict successfully can only be accomplished if each partner takes time to hear and respond to the other's needs and feelings. They must place themselves in the others shoes so to speak and see and feel what the other is experiencing. It's this type of empathy that helps couples work through difficult issues. In fact, one of the primary causes of recurrent conflict in a marriage has to do with one or both partners' difficulty validating or acknowledging the other's needs and feelings. If a spouse feels their needs and interests are being routinely neglected, they will become obstinate and uncompromising. This leads to a stalemate in which neither partner gets what they want.
Occasionally couples run into issues that involve a difference in values or priorities. These kinds of problems are more fundamental and difficult to resolve. The best way to accomplish a reasonable resolution in this instance is for neither partner to expect the other to become more like them. In other words, they must make room in the relationship for each to be a separate and unique individual with their own attitudes, practices, beliefs and perspectives. This kind of resolution doesn't have to mean a couple can't experience closeness. In fact, if they come to appreciate the differences between them, the relationship has a chance of being richer and deeper.
Johanna Nauraine is a relationship coach, specializing in premarital, marital, infertility and divorce coaching. Read more of her relationship articles at www.johannascouch.com.